Being a 'Big Girl' at (nearly) 33

Is it strange that I find myself retelling a breakup story and saying that I handled it 'like a big girl?' What a weird phrase, that at less than 2 weeks away from being 33 years old it rolls off my tongue without hesitation. It's a phrase you tell a six-year-old when she's having a meltdown, not a phrase to describe a long-independent, fairly rational adult. It makes me realize that if I handle a situation 'like a big girl', it probably means I don't consider myself to be a big girl all the time... maybe ever. Or is it that I am just getting so practiced at being broken up with that I am just learning how I am supposed to act?
I didn't sob uncontrollably. I didn't throw a temper tantrum. I didn't get angry and slam the door. I just stoically sat quietly and listened to why I just wasn't the one. Yet again. I quietly wiped the tears as they slid silently down my cheeks. Once again. I didn't grovel and beg him to change his mind. I know that wearing heels and perfume next time I see him won't make him doubt what he's decided.
Maybe 'acting like a big girl' is actually just accepting resignation. You've lost. The race is over, and you didn't win. Nothing you can do can change that. No arguing with a referee. No whining about it not being fair. There is no asking for a do-over. When you've put your heart and soul into that race, projected your wishes and dreams onto it's hopeful outcome, it's really hard to accept. You're exausted and drained and utterly defeated. You can't fathom lacing up your shoes to do it again. And you have a splitting headache from the muscle tension in your forehead as you tried to keep from crying... compounded with the dehydration that comes with the floodgates opening as soon as he leaves and you can't stop crying.
But after a full day of welling up approximately every eight minutes, I think I've cleared the system. I've still got that pounding headache. I still have that dull heartache. But the feelings of desperation have faded. The irrational thoughts of never finding someone have gone back underground. The swelling around my eyes has gone down and with the flush in my cheeks, I actually looked pretty when I saw myself in the mirror a few minutes ago. I hope sleep will wash away the rest of the sadness and I can start tomorrow fresh. Because, isn't that what big girls are supposed to do?

Step Away from the Cookies

Tis the season for over indulgence. This is the time of year I love and I loath.  The time of year when pounds of butter are not only stuffed into my freezer, they are also currently making a home on more than one shelf of the fridge. The pantry is dangerously overfull with marshmallows, chocolate chips, coconut shreds and sugars of brown, white and raw. I can feel a second chin bulging out just thinking about it all.

Cooling after baking.

At work I sit in a office all day, surrounded by tins of sweets- cast offs from coworkers, gifts from clients, omiyagi (Hawaii/Japanese tradition of bringing gifts when you visit friends) and candy bars used for guest activities. This time of year I end up eating cookies that aren't good, they're just readily available, and I end up returning again and again to the conference room for 'just one more' snack. It's usually not satisfying and it's certainly not healthy. So what's a girl to do?

The answer came to me yesterday as I pondered what to do with the 32(!!!!!) egg whites I had in the freezer from my last stint making Likikoi Curd.  I'll make my own combative goodie that will satisfy my sugar-craving needs and keep me away from the rest of the junk. A cookie-type sweet that is loaded with fiber and potassium, has a light vanilla fragrance the lingers on your tastebuds and just enough sweet to satiate without overpowering. An easy-to make treat that is dairy free, gluten free, kosher,  and downright tropical. I am now convinced that Coconut Macaroons may in fact be the world's perfect food.

Now, I am the girl that can easily put away half a box of Peppermint JoJo's before I've realized I opened the package, so its a relief to know that about 1 1/2 of these little "Hawaiian Snowballs" leaves me happily sugared but able to walk away from them (though undoubtedly I will return for that other 1/2... you can't leave a wounded cookie on the battlefield!) Absolutely perfect.

So let's get cookin' the magic, shall we?

A few hints to this recipe:
#1- Use quality vanilla. I am unabashedly a vanilla snob and will only use fragrant Mexican vanilla.  Anytime I am within a 4-hour driving distance, I make a point to 'Run for the Border Louise'. I get a kick out of shopping for vanilla in liquor stores and begging the store merchant to let me smell the bottles too. But that's another story...
#2- Beat your egg whites with a mixer until they ALMOST form meringuey peaks. Add the vanilla and salt at this point and beat for just another few seconds to incorporate.
#3- Don't use the sweetened, flaked coconut you find in the regular grocery store's baking aisle. It's decent coconut, but the sugar/sweet ratio will be thrown off in this recipe. Shop a health food store for unsweetened coconut (usually called (aptly) "Macaroon Coconut") instead. I get mine at the local food co-op, Kokua Market.
 #4- What do you do if you don't go through egg yolks in mass quantity like me and regularly have whites available? Build your supply, slowly. David Lebovitz (a dessert genius who blogs from Paris) taught me that it's OK to freeze egg whites. I tried it and sure enough, it works like a charm. He suggests using an ice cube tray to freeze individual whites in each compartment. Also brilliant. Then you won't be trying to remember how many you put in that re-purposed yogurt container you used and then measuring and dividing (and divining) to figure our how much of your container filled with frozen whites you need per batch. Not that that's a scenario that I am familiar with... ehem.
 #5- Share. It's a food for the masses. Your gluten-free/ Celiac-cursed friends will love you. Your dairy-free/ lactose-avoiding friends will love you. Your kosher or passover-observing friends will love you. Your girlfriends on a diet will also love you. See? The world's most perfect food.

Hawaiian Snowballs

• 3 cups of unsweetened coconut flakes
• 1 cup sugar
• 3 egg whites
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• pinch salt

Preheat oven to 350.
Combine coconut & sugar in a large bowl. Beat egg whites with a mixer. Add vanilla and salt to eggs and blend. Add meringuish blob to the dry mix and incorporate with a wooden spoon or your hands (I use a combo of both).


Roll into 2" balls and set onto a parchment-lined baking sheet. The batter is sticky, so keeping your hands slightly wet with water while shaping may help.

C'est super fancy.

Bake 15 minutes until lightly golden on top. Transfer entire sheet to a cooling rack and cool for 30 minutes.

If you're feeling fancy, you can dip or drizzle melted chocolate over the coconut magic when they've finished cooling.

Makes approximately 20 snowballs. Indulge and feel good. The double chin will bid adieu in January.

Spoiler alert- immediate family may see these arriving in the mail soon.

Sometimes life flops

Don't be deceived. It only looks good.

So I made some muffins this week. They turned out like a bit of a metaphor for my life this week. F-L-O-P.  The Blueberry Bran muffins were heavy, greasy, fairy tasteless and so full of bran that I've left a stinky, farty skunk trail wafting behind me all day. I so wish I were kidding. When you're in an open office space with only one other person... well, there's not a mystery of who's tootin and you can't exactly blame it on the intern. Christ. So welcome to my week.

What else flopped this week? I spent my whole paycheck before I even received it. Oops. Financial planning flop. I got on the scale at the doctor's and see that I weigh the most I have weighed in 18 years. Not freaking out about it completely... but that's definitely along the lines of health flop. I got the results of my 'employees review the managers' review. And my star employee tells me she forgot to fill it out, leaving my disgruntled, currently-out-on-worker's-comp-for-a-minor-injury-going-on-6-months-now, employee to trash me up, down & sideways as the primary evaluator giving me 'you suck' scores. Management flop. Oh- and, I got dumped. Love life flop. Which is comical and tragic at once. Tragic because there wasn't a single red flag before I got blindsided by his abrupt and finite brake slamming. Comical because it freakin figures. No more online dating for me. Serious. I need to date men that are comfortable interacting in person, not just through heavily edited emails. And I need to date men that have dated enough to know what they want.  But that's another story all together.

So just prior to the getting dumped, I manifested my bedroom with all the feng shui vibes that I have been told will change my romantic future. So either it really DIDN'T work at all... or this last guy was simply another 'not the one' and I now have a fantastically feng shuied 'Why don't cha come up and see me sometime' bedroom waiting for Mr. Right-Enough to visualize himself getting cozy in. Now don't start thinking I did anything too overt. The room got a round mirror (according to friend Christina this is a must for good vibes in the sheets. Not sure why that is, but I don't question her and I put one on the wall), a cleared out closet so Mr. Nearly-Amazing can picture his own clothes hanging next to mine. Two nightstands. Two reading lamps. Clean sheets- like brand new, with no mildew stains because I live on the edge of a rainforest sheets (true story) so Mr. Slightly Flawed Because He's Human doesn't get all grossed out. Notice a pattern here too? I think I need the next man I date to have a few flaws- not red flag flaws, but enough human flaws to keep the relationship humbled and grounded. Maybe that's a more feng shui way to approaching dating too. Probably? Definitely. Now I need to take the feng shui course in how to get the guts to actually make eye contact and talk with random cute men. Any suggestions as to where this course might be published would be appreciated. ;)

So I gotta turn this flop of a week around. Shaking off the boy. Shaking off the muffins. Shaking off the "I have no money" and the sucky review. Shaking off the weight thing too. This is starting to sound like that Mariah Carey song.

So this week will entail baking a good recipe, talking to a cute man in person, and avoiding pulling cash out of the bank. Gonna make it happen. And hopefully I'll smell like roses too.

Manifesting Muffins

If you build it, they will come. If you buy nice sheets for your bed, they will come. If you project your desires to the world (in my case, as the form of a perfect boyfriend), he will come. If you visualize your life as you want it, it will manifest itself.  All bits of heavy, slightly too new-agey advice that I have sagely and seriously been offered this week.  How about my own? Plan and bake the perfect muffin and the Farmer's Market managers will ask me to come. Done and done.

I know one thing, I am tired of trying my hand at internet dating. I am tired of 'meeting' socially awkward men online and then being disappointed in person. My biggest beefs with them are usually superficial too, so shame on me. The last guy I went out with on a first/last date? Super nice. Super effeminate. Super not attracted. I seriously  have no one to blame but myself for my perpetual singledom. So I am owning that blame and will make a concerted effort to meet 'real' men (as opposed to the virtual ones). Then at least I know if they have a lisp or look 55 despite claiming to be 35 before we get past hello. I will manifest the introductions just as I will manifest my perfect muffins.

Morning Glory in Paradise Muffins

So tonight, I put on my 'wish necklace' ("Make a wish on this necklace and when it falls off your body in a state of worn and mildewed stinkiness it will come true"... ok, ok, so they necklace is actually beautiful and it's directions said nothing about the mildew & stinkiness...) and set about baking a perfect batch of islandified Morning Glory Muffins. Pineapple. Carrot. Raisins. Apple. Coconut. Macadamia Nuts. Cinnamon and Spice. What's amazing is that this muffin is dairy free and convincingly healthy.  It's different enough to turn heads, but comforting enough to be a go-to morning muffin when you're looking for something to crunch on in between the sink-your-teeth-into-heaven deliciousness. Yup, they're that good.

R&D by the numbers

Kabocha (local pumpkin) Cinnamon Rolls with lemony-cream cheese frosting.

Seven hours in the kitchen last night: Four kinds of cookies, two different varieties of muffins, two quick breads, one pound cake, one jar of lilikoi curd, one batch of scones and one pan of cinnamon rolls. One confirmed meltdown on cookies and one near meltdown from me due to monsoon-like rains assaulting and my little house's jalousie (read: non-sealing) windows and the humidity's affect on the goods. One refrigerator and freezer packed so tight that opening it is like opening a hive of angry bees - watch your toes cause something hard and frozen will likely be headed for them. Countless loads of dishes and remarkably only one broken water glass. And simply ridiculous amounts of butter, sugar and flour.

Muffins. It was all about the muffins.

Three hours in the living room this morning: Fifteen of my dearest friends, three french coffee presses filled many times over, twelve sheets filled with pen & paper bakery feedback, numerous casual suggestions, accolades and great conversation.

Well played.

The end result of the R&D breakfast (after a long, recuperating, sugar-coma induced nap)? I'm moving forward. I've got better direction. I'm whittling down bakery names. And I dearly, truly love my friends.

Tart & creamy Lilikoi Curd.

Muffins were the clear winner in the tastings. The lilikoi curd and the cream cheese frosting from the cinnamon rolls were standouts. Looking forward to refining recipies and sharing the results!

Sugar Coating the Sour Stuff

Cutting into a huge Pomelo, our island grapefruit.

So it turns out that not everything sour is unpleasant what you add sugar. I'm learning this both inside the kitchen and out. Lemons? Lemon Curd. Boy who dropped me like a hot tamale? Good riddance and good motivation to do better for myself. Grapefruit? Fresca Soda! (that's Grapefruit Soda, peeps....) Boy du jour who I am currently crushing on but who toes the other side of political lines? Making Out a bunch so you never have a chance to talk politics. Limes? Candied Lime Peel. See? Something sweet can come of anything sour!

So, with today's lesson on sweetening the sour in mind, I am currently standing in my kitchen wearing yoga pants (ha! maybe if I dress up and PRETEND I'm going to work out after baking it MIGHT happen. Not likely, but I digress...) getting ready to make some awesome candied citrus peel. I'm going to make the candy with lemon, lime and pomelo (island grapefruit). The lemon will be for topping lemon curd tarts, the grapefruit will be for something undetermined  (I have a grapefruit in my kitchen so it's getting candied) and the lime is destined for some island-inspired Lime, Coconut, Mac Nut, White Chocolate Chip, Spiced Oatmeal Cookies. Shoots, Cuz! (translation: Wow. That's really something, friend!)

Back to the Citrus Peel.  I'm gonna call on my nemesis/ mentor Martha freakin' Stewart again. That woman has way too many good recipes to ignore. Every time I use her recipes they turn out pretty fantastic, so that sweetens the sour of her too.

Peeling the pith from the limes.

Candied Citrus Peel

recipe modified from Martha Stewart

• 1/4 Pomelo Grapefruit
• 5 Limes
• 2 Lemons
• 1 1/2 cups sugar

With a sharp paring knife, slice off ends of pomelo, limes, and lemons. Following curve of fruit, cut away outermost peel, leaving most of the white pith on fruit. Slice peel lengthwise into 1/4-inch-wide strips. 

Making a mess with pith, juice & peels.

OK Martha- you make this sound easy. It's not. It took me almost 2 hours to do this to all the fruit because it didn't come off easily. Most of my strips are more like chunks... with holes in them.

In a medium pot of boiling water, cook peel until tender, about 10 minutes. With a slotted spoon, transfer peel to a wire rack set over a rimmed baking sheet; spread in a single layer to dry slightly, about 15 minutes.

Um, yeah... Martha, how do these sit on the wire rack without falling through? I set mine on paper towels on top of the rack. They didn't get very dry, but I am getting tired after being at this for over 2 hours now.

Drying rind and cocktail juice.

In a medium saucepan, bring 1 cup sugar and 1 cup water to a boil over high, stirring to dissolve sugar. Add peel and boil until it turns translucent and syrup thickens, 10-20 minutes. 

It starts to look like you're cooking sardines with the bubbling little slices of peel. I cooked them until the sugar syrup had reduced to about 1/3-1/2 its volume. 

With slotted spoon, transfer peel to wire rack, separating the pieces as needed.

Then pour the citrusy sugar syrup into a jar and put in the fridge for future use. Hello, cocktails!!

Let peel dry 1 hour. Toss with 1/2 cup sugar to coat.

In retrospect, the recipe might have meant "Make all this great candied rind from all these fruits... separately." Once I removed them from the sugar syrup they're all kind of the same color.  I think I can pick out which fruit is which from the shape, and you can taste the difference.  But it might be easier to do them separately in the future.

 So yum. The sour becomes sweet. These buggas are good. I keep snacking on them...gotta save some for cookies. And yoga? Yeah right.

A little R&D

R&D. Research & Development. Things that go on in my life on a regular basis. But are we talking about my love life or my kitchen? Let's decide, shall we?
This week's Research:

• Compiling of my favorite locally-inspired recipes
• Cost computing of said recipes
• Hopeful (honestly, really, amazingly so) time spent on the phone with the Hawaii State Department of Agriculture
• Attending a "Backyard Beekeeping" seminar
• Chatting up an old friend/ insurance agent to get a second insurance quote
• Finding new kabocha (pumpkin)-inspired recipes to experiment with
• And spending too many hours on Match.com pondering why no one new ever signs up and why a 26-year-old (who I had absolutely no business giving my # to, but did purely because a 26-year-old asked for it & it made me feel like I 'still got it') would think its OK to text me at 5:15am... and again at 7am...and again at 8. And when i finally respond at 8 that he'd woke me up, his response is a wink-y face thingy and 'just thinkin bout ya. forgive me?' Thinkin' about me? He's never even met me (let alone talked to me!) Augh. I am too old for this shit.

And then there's the Development:

• As evidenced, absolutely no Development in the Love Life side of things
• Invitations sent to an upcoming "Bakery R&D Taste Test Breakfast" - this is a major Development!

So here's the scoop: I'm throwing a breakfast get-together, cleverly labeled the "Bakery R&D Breakfast". I've invited a lot of friends and have promised them plenty of baked goodies in exchange for their honest feedback and opinions on both the baked goods and business names.  Providing that the feedback on the muffins/tarts/cookies/breads/sweet rolls is predominately positive, I'm hoping to also enlist these friends to be the Shay's Bakery (official Bakery name tbd) PR Army. I'm hoping that these dear people will help pave a way for me to get into the Farmer's Markets by talking, tweeting, posting, sharing and whatever else people do these days to pass on good words. And I hope these friends will stay by my side, eating my baked yummies as things begin to(hopefully) grow.

So- you gonna be on Oahu in 2 weeks?  If so, you should come to the Bakery R&D Breakfast! October 15th. In Palolo. Help me decide on a Bakery Name. Eat lots of food. Drink coffee (or mimosas) and be around some wonderful, amazingly supportive people called my friends. I'd love to have you!

Shoot me an email if you need more details!