Notes on "Capacity"

¹ca·pac·i·ty

a : an individual's mental or physical ability : aptitude, skill b : the faculty or potential for treating, experiencing, or appreciating <capacity for love>

from http://www.merriam-webster.com 

 

So I have this horrible habit of thinking I am Superwoman. I take on projects and commitments, forgetting a few key things (sleep? nah. personal life? no biggie. exercise? get outta town). Then I crash, burn and snivvle with big tears in pathetic meltdowns in the most awkward of places (sniffles teetering toward a full-blown meltdown at 2am in the Hardware aisle at Walmart, anyone?) Luckily, as I get older and questionably wiser, I am starting to recognize my overload sensors more readily than I did in my boundless 20's. Now the threat of meltdown tends to hit my sensors before the tears roll and I am getting more astute at standing up for myself. I am learning when my cup is full and to politely, but firmly say "GEEZ! STOP!" And then I feel guilty. But then I feel sane. Its a cycle and I'm adjusting to it.

 

So why all the capacity ruminations? I just finished my first full month of operating as a fledgling pop-up bakery and urban homestead shop. In the past 4 weeks I have logged countless hours stressing, over $4,000 (EEEEEE!!!!!!!) in start-up costs, have sweated through baking sprints in a Commercial Kitchen, have had more than 1 killer migraine, have met with bankers to apply for small business loans and have banged my head against the wall when I was rejected for said loans, have told more than 1 friend I regret the decision to do this, have eaten enough muffins to make me not want one ever again and have wondered how the hell I am ever going to get my lawn mowed (let alone my house painted) in the next year. All while working a full time job, not exactly 'on-the-side.' I have also grossed about $700 for these pains- admittedly way more than I initially anticipated. I have learned how to brew a good cup of coffee over a camp stove (the economical way to make coffee without electricity or buying a many-thousand dollar generator) and how to make foolproof iced coffee (recipe is here: http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2011/06/perfect-iced-coffee/comment-page-7/. No link because I want you to finish reading my blog before you go to hers and forget to finish this story. Yes, the Pioneer Lady is silly. And genius. Be sure to check her iced coffee out.) And, I have learned that my personal capacity and the capacity of Lolo Gardens, an Urban Homestead, is limited.

So I initially had these pipe dreams of what being a vendor at the Farmers Market would be like. Regrettably, they were based solely on that embarrasing-to-admit-I-actually-watched-it movie The Backup Plan (J-Lo was in one of her worst roles to date... but her goat-cheese-making, farmers-market boyfriend was to-drool-for.) I also hoped that my life would be filled with a plethora of hyphen-inducing adjectives once I had my booth. I thought I would meet Mr. Organiclly-Farming-Do-Gooder-Wonderful who was looking for his match in a fierce and independent bakerly-wife and we would live on our happy farm with our beautiful organically-fed children and herd our well-groomed goats into the sunset. Enter sappy love song and roll the credits.

So the reality is this: 

First- The 'who-the-hell-opens-their-eyes-this-early-in-the-morning' part. I don't do mornings well. At all. Nothing new here. So getting up at 5:30 am to drive 30 miles to set up a booth on my own is no sunshiney way for me to start the day. Especially when I gross $100 for 6 hours of my troubles and I know that my out of pocket costs for that day were probably close to $125. My friend Courtney puts it well-  "It's like you're donating to charity... I am just not sure who the charity is supposed to be." That's hard to swallow. 

Second- the 'meeting people' part. I've met lots of people, sure. Lots of 'farmers' who fill their booths with produce grown in California, Mexico and who knows where else. Local produce is hard to find at this market, as are like-minded people that appreciate it. 

Third- the 'cool image as a superstar baker in an awesome organic-y farmers market I'm-so-hip-I-kill-myself persona' part. There are tiers of markets like there were once tiers of circuses (or so the book 'Water for Elephants' tells me there were). The market that I am a part of (and don't get me wrong... I am happy to have been given a foot in the door of ANY market) is kind of a 3rd tier circus. The vendors all caravan from location to location. So whether in Kailua, Ewa Beach or Waikiki, I'm with the same vendors within the circus group. And in this group, there are no cool-points for being a super rad baker chic who grows lilikoi and raises hens. I'm just the crazy white girl who is alone hauling her crap halfway across the island one or two days a week. There are other tiers of markets hawking their produce in the same cities on different days where I might get some cool-status points. But I am on the waiting lists for these markets, as they are a bit more respected and have a larger applicant pool. So no coolness factor points for me. 

 

So what does my market group look like? Being the level of quality my 3rd tier market is, you see the following vendors on a typical day: Pizza Baker booth, Tupperware Seller booth, Super-cheap Lobster booth (are they fresh? are they imported and frozen? I don't like lobster so I've never asked) Cheap Souvenir Jewelry vendor (complete with "Up to 50% off!" signs), Filipino Bakery #1, Filipino Bakery #2, Filipino Bakery #3, about 4 or 5 "Farmers" selling imported produce, Hawaiian Plate-lunch booth, Filipino Plate-lunch booth, Puerto-Rican plate lunch booth, Thai Plate-lunch booth. Gourmet dried and bagged Pasta made in Colorado booth (I assume its kind of like if I were to sell Italian Pasta sauce from Italy and tout it as a gourmet import?) Lady who bakes sugar-free banana bread and Lilikoi Butter booth. And Me. It's rather like a traveling flea market without the cool antique finds. So who are the people in this group of Food-related (not to be confused with Foodie) Carnies I have met? Nice enough folks, but mostly retirees who are doing this for kicks. I've met one nice guy that I enjoy having a harmless flirtation with. But he's started coming on too strong and I am absolutely not interested in anything more than what we have. Buy me a popsicle and ask me how my day is? Great! Call me (from my business card), use every pickup line in the book in a Rico-suave fashion (but because it seems to be in earnest, he talks too fast and trips over his 'lines' so its just awkward and uncomfortable and leaves me trying to figure out how to end the conversation quickly). Ug. Not great. And he lives with his sister and doesn't have a job other than slinging her Filipino food (again- her business) a few days a week at the markets. And that's it. No cute organic farmers here (they would be Tier 2 or Tier 1 farmers market folks with cool-farmer swagger). No one making artisan goat cheeses. No one extracting their own honey from their own bees. But... if you're looking for a hotdog wrapped in a croissant sold alongside deep fried something and some spinach from Cali, you got it!

But I digress. I'm making it sound hellish. It's not that bad. I did make $700- which is putting me in a good place to start paying off that $4,000 start-up investment. And I have discovered that of the 3 varied market locations that I have participated, the Kailua location is my best audience. Day-wise, it's not the greatest for giving me my personal life back (it's a Saturday night, so I will be booked for something 7 days a week by being at this location), but financially I made over $100 more here in one shot than the other locations. The Kailua market shoppers are a mix of local 'Haole" folks (white folks) with money who will shell out cash for organic/ local produce. They will smell a rat with that California spinach quick though, and I don't expect to see many locals making a 3rd or 4th trip to this market. Once or twice will probably be all they will take. But the other half of the shoppers are mainland vacationers who know Oahu well enough to stay in a B&B on this side of the island (about a half hour outside Waikiki in a residential town. Its where the Obamas stay every Christmas). This makes them generally older, wealthy and giddy to 'buy local'- and because they are only here for a week or two at a time, they will be 1st time market shoppers who haven't discerned the tiers of markets yet. Its perfect for me because I can sell them boxes of muffins and cartons of eggs for tomorrow's breakfast, bags of coffee (that I buy wholesale from the grower on the north shore) for the week and for souvenirs, jars of Lilikoi curd for souvenirs and cocktail-worthy herbs for their vacation imbibing. 

 

So then there's that capacity conundrum. I initially was accepted to the Ewa Beach market. Ewa is 30 miles from my home and in a local community with a smattering of military. I have 3 loyal customers that have come every week for a muffin and a cup of coffee. These ladies are so sweet and tell me how much they look forward to my muffins and coffee every Sunday. If I stop going to the Ewa Beach market I will let them down. But, if I stop going to the Ewa Beach market on Sundays I will be able to sleep in, not put 60 miles on my car and loose money to the charity without a name. And I will disappoint those 3 ladies that appreciate me. As a business decision, it makes no sense to continue driving there at the crack of dawn to lose $5 and 6 hours of my life. As a human decision, its a bit harder. I haven't backed out of this market formally yet. But I know I need to. I haven't decided if I should go this week to tell the 3 ladies I won't be returning. Or if I should just cut the ties abruptly and write a generic apology message on my Facebook page to whoever reads it. I am truly perplexed and sad about this.

 

And capacity to 'use local produce' in my baking is proving to be much more difficult than I expected. My biggest selling muffin (and hands down taste test winner) is my Kabocha Pumpkin (or Squash. Tomato/ Tamato) muffin. Initially I bought organically-grown local Kabochas for $2.49/ lb at the local food co-op. That makes for a pricey muffin. Then I found a local farm to sell me Kabochas in bulk. They told me they had them year round. I printed their farm name on a bunch of brochures as my provider of Kabocha. Then, when I picked up the first box of them the box suspiciously said "35# Kabocha Squash. Grown in Mexico." Hmmmm.... did they just put their local Kabochas into a reused box? I covered my ears and eyes and said "blah blah blah I see no evil!" all the way to the Certified Kitchen. I rationalized that at least I was supporting a local farm, even if they were wholesaling an imported product. Then I called them up this week to pick up another 35# box and they told me they no longer have Kabocha and don't know when they'll get it again. wtf? They had initially told me they had them year round!!!!  So I did what any rational business person would do. I swallowed my only-local produce goal, removed that farm name from my brochures, and bought a 35# box of New Zealand-grown Kabochas at Safeway. They were on sale for $.79/pound. I'll buy local when I can. And I will honestly strive to do that. But I won't let 'buying local' drive my prices up so high that I drive my bakery into the ground. The same goes for butter- I would love to use our one (one!!) on-island dairy for butter, but at $8/ lb it makes no sense. I do, however, only use island-grown eggs (and I mix those in with my own backyard eggs) and will keep building relationships with those farmers at the tier one markets to see what truly local produce can be found and afforded.

And finally, capacity for personal fulfillment. I need to free up some space so that I have room for this important piece of the puzzle. The definition from Webster's Dictionary talks about someone's capacity to love. I need to find that space so that I can focus on loving myself, my crazy chickens, my unmowed backyard, my patient friends and Mr. organic-appreciating-lets-me-be-my-crazy-independent-self-Wonderful when he chooses to enter my life. Right now there's not a whole lot of space for those things. And bottom line... they do matter most.

So, Capacity. Gonna clear out some stuff and make some room. I'll let you know how it goes.

A hui hou,

Shay

 

 

Countdown begins. T Minus 7 till Farmers Market Day.

Remember how I promised more pictures and less wordy words? I am such a liar!  Actually, I left my camera adapter cord at work and I have some fun stuff to share, so no pictures this time. Sad face sorry. Pictures next time. Promise. Like, for real, promise.

7 Days. Can I do it? Only 7 days to finalize insurance. Only 7 days to shop and prep for my first foray into Commercial Kitchen. Only 7 days to figure out how to brew a decent cup of coffee. Only 7 days to finalize my booth layout, including creating a few more custom chalkboards. 7 too-short days.

But these past 7? They've been busy too!

First- I brought my curds and Dulce de Leche into a Food Quality testing lab. Man oh, man... was I scared or what?! 90% of all advice I read online said home canners should never attempt to can dairy, or they could kill people with botulism. 99% of advice I read online about canning homemade caramel said the same thing. Based on those, it seemed the FDA's super strict guidelines would never approve my home canned dairy-heavy delights. But the online naysayers were wrong. My Ph levels and Water Activity levels tested within legal standards. Which means, not only that I won't kill you, my lovely friends, with my now-proven-safe concoctions... but the FDA won't shut me down either. Big, HUGE relief!

Next, I bought a new laptop this week. I'm slowly entering the realm of the tech savvy! I may even be able to Skype someday soon. Someone's just gotta show me how to do it! And I am soooooo happy to have Spotify back in my life! (My old iBook's operating system became to archaic for Spotify on their last upgrade and I have been musically deprived for a few months). If you don't know about Spotify you should google it. It's only the most amazing invention for music since the internet itself.

Then, I met with a business mentor this week and polished up a second draft of my business plan. I did a lot of the writing with 4-6 baby chicks crawling all over me & the keyboard... but more on that in a minute. I also opened a few business bank accounts and will be working on my application for a small business loan later tonight.

In making investments this week, I turned my pockets inside out, buying a small chest freezer that I singlehandedly (and perhaps small-brained of me) pushed, pulled and heaved up a flight of stairs and into my 'man cave' in the back of the house by myself. (yeah, yeah.. I know I shouldn't call it a 'man cave'- but I guarantee when I finally find Mr. Wonderful, that is what he will proudly call this roofed in space with Power Tools galore behind the house. And truth be told, 'man cave' is pretty fitting for the space, despite it being more of a 'Shay-Cave" these days.)

And I bought a small flock of chicks. After seeing the estimate for my annual insurance premium (over $600!!!!) I realized that keeping my business small and hobby-esque just doesn't make sense. I will never dig out of the investment hole.  Now, it's not quite "go big or go home"... I'm not leaving my day job, I'm not baking more than 1 day a week and I'm honestly not planning on making any money in the next year (sadly, that's the realistic outlook)... but it's more of a 'go medium, or go home' mindset that I'v adopted.  If I am going to pay out a few hundred dollars to be able to sell eggs, I better have more than a dozen eggs a week to sell (because Lord knows that they are poop smeared eggs more often than they are golden eggs). So my little flock of 3 'plus' is becoming a flock of a minimum of 5. Hopefully more like 7, but no more than 9.

I bought 2 more 'Browns' that are guaranteed to be hens. They are a Rhode Island Red & White Leghorn mix.  The lighter of the 2 has already been named- Hilly- short for Hillary- short for Sir Edmund Hillary. At one day old, she was running straight up my chest without hesitation, and perching on my shoulders. Quite the mountain climber.

I also bought 2 Silver-Laced Wyandottes. They will be gorgeous birds, but right now they are the bullies. Constantly pecking at the other chicks and letting all the babies know who's in charge.

And finally, I bought 2 Black Autralorps, which I am absolutely enamored with. They look like little penguins now... deep black eyes that stare at me wondrously from their black bodies and white fluffy chests. They are the most docile of the bunch and they will grow up to be solid black with a red crest. The smaller of the two loves to curl up in my hand or on my keyboard (warm places) and fall immediately asleep. This one's been named Chilly Willy. Whether it will be Chilly William or Chilly Wilhelmina remains to be seen. I won't know if they are hens or roosters until they are about 3 months old. I pray they are both hens, as I can't even think about sending Chilly Willy away.

(BTW- that 'plus' in the flock is the rotating roster of errant roosters. There is one trapped in the coop right now that I've been calling Chris Farley. He's a bit overweight with a huge waddle like a double chin. He's pretty chummy with the ladies, but tomorrow he's gonna be pretty chummy with the rooster patrol when they pick him up.)

And I've been baking. I perfected a recipe for the Dulce de Leche that passed the FDA tests and is an 'original' recipe that I feel proud of. I made a batch of Lemon-Lavendar-Zucchini muffins tonight that are nearly spot on. Maybe one more batch worth of tweaking them and they'll be a hit.

And (drumroll please) I had a date. With a boy that has never tasted my baking. And we're going on a second date this weekend. He's taking me whale watching. This could be good. More to come on that front soon.

So keeping busy on the farm, keeping busy in the kitchen and still finding a little time to play. So far, so good.

More again soon.

A hui hou!!

Shay

The Dragon is on the move!

I was told (warned?) in January by the store manager at Asagi Hatchery that '2012 is the Year of the Dragon, and this is a "Water Dragon" year. Water Dragon years mean that life will be prosperous, but things will happen very fast and you need to stay on your feet and not be swept away.' My oh my, was she spot on or what?
So, since my last exited post about Lolo Gardens (remember the 'look at me! look at me! I'm so official I've got a website and stuff' post?), the Water Dragon has started swimming with a vengeance.

There are updates in many areas, all important, and some more amusing than others. I broke them out by Homestead, Bakery & Love Life to make it easier to get through this gargantuan post. Sorry to be long-winded, but there is just so much going on!!

So, without further ado...

Lolo Gardens, An Urban Homestead-

First- here's a snippet from a Facebook post about the victorious capture of Freeloading Rooster #10 on February 6th. Yes, #10. That makes 5 roosters caught since Jan 19th. Today is Feb 7th.  That's a hell of a lot of rooster catching in the past 4 weeks. I've had the Rooster Hotline on speed dial. It's been more amusing than frustrating, but I do find myself hurling rocks at the bloody birds with some serious ferocity and I can't tell if the rock throwing relieves stress or adds to it. 

How did you spend your lunch break today? I spent mine chasing a rooster in a rainstorm. Caught the bloody rooster by the tail and said rooster spun in circles like a plummeting bi-plane. I quickly changed grip to his feet to prevent him tourniqueting himself loose by cutting off his entire tail. Then I panicked- what do I do? I have a screaming rooster (yes- they actually scream) in my grip, I'm literally dripping wet & muddy in my work clothes and I know the damn bird's capable of escaping from the coop (as proved yesterday). Upon advice from the rooster patrol, he's now sitting duct taped into a cardboard box on the porch, waiting for the patrol to pick him up. The box is taped, not the rooster. This has seriously become my life. Oi. Freakin. Vey.

Annie's Pocket Garden

In less dramatic Lolo Gardens, An Urban Homestead news, I recently helped two great friends get their own backyard gardens started. I helped fellow garden enthusiast Annie plant raised beds made from re-purposed cedar drawers with a huge assortment of veggies. It was awesome to work with her confined space and 'discover' an unused pocket in the backyard perfect for a growing space that is out of the way of 'people paths' but receives plenty of sunlight AND the existing hose reaches it!

I also joined a fun birthday party that centered on building a garden for musician friend Kilen. Kilen loves Kale, so he thought if he bought a bunch of dirt and made 1 raised bed with a few Kale starts it would make his 2012 excellent. Little did he know that his friends (including me) would bring seeds and starts of our own and re-purpose all sorts of beds and boxes in his front yard. We helped Kilen plant 6 raised beds with 3 kinds of Kale, Peas, Sage, Mint, Basil, Nasturtiums, Arugula, Lettuce, Corn, Sunflowers, Bittermelon, Tomatoes, and Lilikoi! Such a fun way to celebrate a birthday! I've asked him to take pictures (doh! I remembered to bring muffins, but forgot to bring my camera)  so I can share pictures of his garden soon.

I was approached by a local chocolate company, Madre Chocolate, asking me to sell them some of my Lilikoi about 2 weeks ago. After exchanging a few emails about my baking needs, they were impressed by the photo on the front of my website with all the Lilikoi. Hopefully I can start selling to them soon (though the Lilikoi season is waning, so I may need to wait until the next harvest to have enough).

This is a Black Australorp.

I'm receiving a new hatch of chicks this weekend! Technically, these must be 'feral chicks that I have so graciously decided to care for', as I am only allowed 2 hens per City & County zoning.  The fact that they are purebreds (I'm getting pretty greenish black Australorps and Silver-laced Wyandottes) with their shots must totally be a coincidence. Regardless of how they arrive, I am stoked to get the new babies and grow my flock (technically, they've just flown into the yard, of course... just like the 10 roosters prior to them. ehem.).

This is a Silver Laced Wyandotte- but it's the mini verison. Mine will be full size.

I had an acquaintance email me and ask if I was hiring and wanted to become of part of Lolo Gardens. So amazingly flattering. I had to tell her I can't even afford to shop outside of Goodwill right now, let alone hire someone. But it's exciting to see that there is interest in not only the product, but also in how I am running things.

I 'sold' my first batch of eggs. Technically, there was no money exchanged, we exchanged eggs for Meyer Lemons. But its super exciting to know there is a market for my eggs and the lady would have paid cash if I hadn't asked if she had Lemons to trade for.

And finally, I have started getting estimates for finally installing a better gutter system on the house and finishing the rain barrels that were started almost a year ago. I'll fund this project with my tax return, AFTER I get the house painted. Not sure when I am going to find the time to paint the place, but it needs to be done badly, so the paint/ gutters/ catchment are a solid priority for the spring.

Now what about the Bakery?

Chef Chang and her inspirational bangs.

In late January I attended a Lecture and Demonstration given by Chef Joanne Chang, of Boston's beloved Flour Bakery chain. She's not much older than me, with no formal culinary schooling. She learned all she knows from her mama and from experience working in kitchens after she chucked her corporate management consulting gig and career path after only a few years of using her Harvard Economics degree. Not only did she make me realize that I am capable of following my baking dreams, she made me realize I really want bangs. Seriously. Inspired 'baker' haircut coming soon.

I applied for Williams Sonoma's Profession Chef's Program and was accepted. I don't know how selective they are... basically I just had to send proof that I owned a Bakery and *poof* I'm a professional chef in their program. But I get a 20% discount at their stores now. Totally worth the bragging rights.

I was approached by a friend to cater her summertime, sunrise wedding. We're meeting next month to iron out details. I'm terrified. But I think I'll be ready by August.

I was also approached by a different, very good friend who asked me to bake a wedding cake for him and his fiance this summer. Again- equal amounts terrified and flattered. I've started practicing my cake recipies to be ready. I made a good friend some Lilikoi Curd filled White Cake cupcakes with Lilikoi Cream Cheese frosting over the weekend for her birthday. Reviews were all raves, so maybe I'll be able to pull off a cake in July after all.

Lolo Gardens, Artisan Bakery Boxes

Curds and Spreads. Each flavor a colored label and coordinated fabric top

With the magic of Office Depot's custom sticker templates and a bit of simple creativity on my part, I have beautiful boxes for my muffins and curds. Hopefully I can get a wholesale rate on the boxes in order to keep the packaging affordable. Individual curds & muffins won't be wrapped, but bulk orders will look like they came from a real bakery. Because, actually, they will have.

I had a positive meeting with the Market Managers of the Ala Moana Farmers Market. They spent over a half an hour with me at an impromptu meeting, slicing into 3 types of muffins and 4 kinds of curds and spreads. They raved about taste and packaging. And aired concern about conflict with their current baker (who doesn't make muffins) and current jelly maker (who doesn't make curds). I am now in the waiting game with them to see if they will take me on as an additional vendor.

AND... I was invited to sell my items at the Kaneohe and Ewa Beach Farmer's Markets!!! I took the phone call with this news while in the milk aisle at Safeway. You should have seen the happy dance that happened near the creamers. People stared. It was awesome. So these two markets are not as big as the Ala Moana market (where my previously mentioned meeting was), but its a start. It will get my feet wet. And they are ready for me as soon as I am ready for them. (Yikes! Water Dragon, here we go!) I told them I'd be ready with my Insurance, Health Permits, Certified Kitchen and paperwork in order in 2 weeks. I'm scrambling. But I'm excited!

And the reason for the Blog/Bakery/ etc? (Shay's Life/ Love life/ et. all)
Shoots. The good thing is, I've been so busy I've hardly had time to think about dating. The bad thing is, I've been so busy I've hardly had time to think about dating. Gotta work on that.
But I didn't say I haven't had time, I said I've hardly had time. I met someone. I felt a spark of something... it was more of a warm connection that made my heart skip a beat and made me want to be around this person- to be a part of his dorky humor and good man aura. And this man is dating someone else. Which kind of crushes me. But also had given me a glimmer of hope that there are potential men hiding under rocks here in Honolulu. The timing isn't right on this one. But maybe there's another one like him hiding... just waiting for me to stumble upon him.


Pretty sure Valentines Day will be spent by my lonesome self... drinking tequila till I'm seeing "Twighlight: Breaking Dawn" with double vision and alternating between cursing at the stupid story line and lamenting that I don't have my own sparkly vampire whispering sweet nothings in my no-longer virginal ears. Pathetic. But true.

So, Good Lord there is a lot going on. That Dragon means business. Next update, I promise more pictures of the Homestead/ Chickens/ Yard/ Baking and less wordy words. But now you're caught up.

A hui hou (until next time),

Shay